Decisions
It seems like every decision I’ve made in my life over the last six months, no matter how big or small, has somehow impacted my life in some meaningful way. Two of them even got me to another country and another different world.
On one hand, it was unavoidable. Moving to another country that is. I had no option. Well, I did: leave my family behind. Am I really that sick? Would I really do that?
No. Never. I’ve learned the lesson of my life: family comes first, no matter what. I hated my parents for the decision they made. But I don’t know what I would have done or where I would have been right now. I just don’t know whether it was good or not.
It was one of the hardest times of my life. I was under so much pressure to succeed and get out of the pit I was in. A month before I left I was so focused on where I was going to be in six weeks, six months, and a year. And at the end, it didn’t even matter.
I should be runnning for ASB President right now. I was so mad last year when I lost Junior President; all I could think of was “What’s Next?”. I was going to play football and rock. I was going to be amazing and show everyone that despite what they thought I could. But it couldn’t go on.
I can’t see through most of it yet. I don’t know why this or that happened, all I know is that it hurt. It hurt bad. It was what I and some others called life.
I constantly keep doubting myself. Am I faithless? Am I faithful? Or am I going insane? Is there some grand plan in this? Is there something in the glory of having a normal life? Is there something grand in having normal parents or normal friends? Is there something in every day waking up to another nightmare or problem? Because no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t work.
How? Just how? I’m the good kid, remember? I’m the kid that “doesn’t deserve it”. I’m the kid that every parent wishes for. But it just didn’t work out that way; I couldn’t control where I am. But something had to - there’s something there - I can just feel it. The last six months has kept screaming “reason” out to me. There was a pattern in this - there was so much going wrong in a short space of time - how could there NOT be something behind all of this?
Last night was the hardest. I tried to fall asleep and all these nightmares and all these dreams - which were now lost - kept racing through my head. Sleep was supposed to be a solace, but it didn’t stop there. It just kept getting worse and worse. More pain and more regret.
I woke up and just kind of shut everything out. But it keeps coming back. I keep thinking about the future but I’m focused on the past. It should be the complete opposite. I’m focused on all the wrong in my life, but what about the right?
Did I make an impact? Sure, I did. Did a few people not like me? Sure. Was it worth it all? From what I understand, I’ll know that answer soon. But it should be simply this: Yes. Whatever these decisions do, and wherever they lead me, I know it will be to something great. I constantly find myself saying “There is a God, and he’s done this to me.” There can’t just be something out of nothing in all of this. Some of it’s so messed up to the point I don’t know how it’s possible. I couldn’t convince myself that it had happened unless I have lived through it.
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