Pictures of You
I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you, and I almost believe that they’re real.
You know, even though what you’ve done to me has changed my life, I still love you. No matter what you do, no matter where you take me or what you challenge me with, I’ll give it a good fight. I won’t ever stop, I promise you that. We wouldn’t want the other guy to win now, would we?
I’ve ran past the problems. I’ve ran past the fact that I will never be able to play another sport in my life. I’ve ran past the constant headaches, the constant pain in my neck, the constant depression, the constant feeling of being sick, and the constant feeling of numbess in my my body. I’ve given everything I had just so I could please you. I know very well that I probably won’t lead a normal life, but, well, frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
You helped me deal with my family. It’s been a struggle. I’ll admit that. You’ve tried to show me how to forgive when there was nothing to forgive for, you’ve showed me how to accept when there was nothing to accept for, you’ve shown me what <em>true</em> love is. It’s really a constant struggle.
I’ve been living so long with these pictures of you, and I almost believe that these pictures are all I can feel.
You give me a reason to live when I have no other. You give me the passion give everything in my heart for you. You do it all. And frankly, sometimes I think I’m not worthy. You’ve given me everything. To think that things would turn out the way they did is really unimaginable. You keep saying “you’ll see”. I think I’m starting to see some of it and I feel so unworthy.
My purpose and desire are to please you, no one else. Everything else that gets in the way is utterly meaningless. Because without you, I wouldn’t have been here, and I probably wouldn’t have made it. People have told me “It’s all about you, it’s YOUR inner strength, YOU’RE strong”. I beg to differ. It’s not about me. If it was about me, then why should I care? I’m not here to please myself, because that’s really not what I believe life’s about. There’s got to be something more, because life is just too empty to not be that way.
It’s times like these when I really need you, when nothing feels like it’s going in the right direction. I feel like I can’t keep going on. Life is hard right now. It doesn’t feel like it’s going in any direction, for that matter. But it’s your direction, Lord. Because, you know, your direction is probably much better than mine would have ever been.
I’m tired, worn down, and stressed. Give me strength, make me alert, and take my stress away, I’m begging you. If it isn’t your will, then don’t, but please, strengthen and guide me.
I feel like everything that’s happening to me is wrong. It hurts. It hurts more than anything. But, you knew everything was going to crash and break in my life. You know what you’re doing, and I don’t deny that. It’s just that sometimes it seems that all I have left is pictures of you and what you’re doing.
[...] really wrote a really intelligent post in a while. Unless you want to call the cryptic gibberish poetry as [...]
⇒ February 4, 2008, 2:30 am
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