Mixed Emotions
A little note: This is the first entry that happened in a while. You could say I kind of had personal problems. And those personal problems didn’t like my blog. Well, personal problems suck. Enjoy.
As I was sitting at my desk reflecting on what was going to make my three day weekend minimized down to a mere three hours (thank you, Junior year), I looked up at my calendar and noticed that it was still in August. It wasn’t that hard to overlook; my whole body shuttered every time I made eye contact with the bright red 1970 Gran Torino, one of the ugliest cars to ever come off of the Ford assembly line.
I thought to myself “oh, hey, my calendar’s in August”. My head started to fill with memories. The honors classes, the concussion, the drama, the stress, and the failure. Looking back at it all, it just feels like it was such a long time ago.
I don’t know exactly how I feel towards last year. I have an adamant hatred of it on one hand, and on the other hand, I just feel like there was something in me that wouldn’t have been the same person if it hadn’t.
September’s featured car was a Mustang GT. I thought to myself “Oh, hey, Car and Driver finally did something right”. And then the last six months just started to fill in my head. I remember March had featured a Stage 1 Roush Mustang, and then everything started to flip through my head. The Charger in May, The ‘72 Boss in April. Then the events of the last six months flashed back in my head.
I realized that if it hadn’t been for everything that happened last Fall, I wouldn’t have been able to make it through the last six months. The last six months have probably been the hardest times of my life: School ending on a bad note, losing my relationship with a few family members, then the health issues, then people getting _mad_ at me for being so cold towards said family members, then failing at life, then me getting mad at certain people for being cold towards other family members, then drama, then heartbreak, then anger, then confusion.
Which is where I’m at right now. I don’t know who to believe, or what to think. Everyone is telling me to not believe what everyone else tells me. But people like to make things that aren’t a big deal into something grand, and then people like to treat others like jerks, then other people like to think that everyone’s business is their business, then people seem to contradict what they believe, then people like to be cold towards other people, then…well, the list goes on.
A year ago I would have said this is the defining moment where I’m supposed to figure out how I live my life. But it isn’t. There isn’t a book that says “do this, and this will happen”. My life isn’t like a linear function. I can’t drop my life into a calculator and have the answer come out. There’s more to it than that. It just bugs me that some people try to live their life that way, because according to them, they don’t need a God. They somehow understand themselves and know what’s best for them . They can control their emotions and their thoughts, because “they’ve grown up”. It doesn’t work that way. Calculators are an I/O (Input-Output) device. They don’t have a plan, they don’t give you life, and they can’t solve your life problems. In the same way You don’t know what the best decision is for yourself. And it really isn’t about “you”. Sure, Things happen, but, considering the specifics of what’s happened to me personally, things don’t happen at random.
And then there’s the person who thinks that having it all together and having it made seems to be happy. I’m sick of people saying that they are happy and that they enjoy their lives, then five minutes later cursing what’s been given to them. Nothing can make you truly happy, not money, not having a girlfriend or boyfriend, not a thing UNLESS you know what to do (or, in some cases, not do) with it. There’s a greater plan, and a greater planner behind all of this.
Which is where everything ties in: despite all the mixed emotions I have, I want to keep pressing on. People ask me how I cope with everything. And the answer: I don’t. I really don’t. I let the man upstairs deal with it, and let him do what he wants. He’s given me more and less than others, but I don’t like to compare. Every person is going to have their fare share of problems, and some people are going to have bigger ones than others. But we’re all created equal, every single one of us. And it’s not a matter of what we’re given. It’s what we do with it.
And that’s _exactly_ what I plan on doing. My life isn’t about my talents and abilities, it’s about what I do with them. I’m _not_ a passive person. I want to glorify the person who’s given me so much to do something with. No matter what it takes, I’m going to right a few wrongs that have happened, and I’m going to achieve the goal. I might have mixed emotions about everything, but It’ll works itself out somehow. Always has, and always will.
September, by the way, is a Dodge Viper. Way to mix things up, Car and Driver.
Comments
Daniel Hollister had a thought ¬
You’ve been through a lot and will survive nicely. I know the feeling. Good luck. That’s about all I can say, but having been in similar positions, I know I don’t need to say much else. You’ll keep on going.
⇒ September 2, 2007, 12:50 am